The truth is I’m sick of putting others first. And I don’t understand love.

            My whole childhood I was told innumerable tales of the immeasurable love family represents. My mom never left the house without telling me she loved me. Love is all around and it “rejoices with truth”.

             I was so convinced of the unbreakable power of love that when I fell head over heels for Caleb my mother was the first person I wanted to tell. And so I did. And so I stopped understanding love.

              She told me it was not right. I asked her why. He was a boy. And I was a boy. It could not be right. It didn’t make any sense to me. We don’t dictate old people should fall in love with young people, nor white people with black people. Why should we determine the opposite love rule for gender?

           I was heartbroken. Caleb had told me how the only question his parents had asked him when he brought his first boyfriend home was whether he was happy and I fantasised the same thing would happen to me. Better. I thought my mom would be excited. Like when I was excited when she told me she was finally in love again after my father died.

            How could she understand the concept of being in love with someone who’s already dead and not understand loving someone who loves you back and is right next to you? How can love be anything other than the most simple of all feelings? How can someone love you less because you love someone they don’t approve of? How can someone you love and who’s supposed to love you back say they don’t approve of someone you also love without even meeting them?

             Caleb’s love is so easy. There’s no effort there. There’s no struggle. It’s as natural as it can be. I’m happy when we’re together, I’m anxious when we’re apart and my heart beats faster than drums in a punk rock concert when I see him the next day.

        .     My mom’s love is now based in a social contract. I can do whatever I want to, but I can’t talk to her about Caleb, nor introduce him to her. And I can’t let other people know.

                The truth is I’m sicking of putting others first. And I don’t understand love.